Awake at 2am

My son woke me up and I can't get back to sleep yet. My mind is too active. 

I read stories about how other people have lost weight and they always talk about what they did, like change their eating and exercise but they never really talk about what they felt and the struggles that they went through to lose the weight. 

For me it seems to be a constant struggle. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of doing this. Do I really have what it takes to lose weight?  

I really need to look at weight loss as an hour by hour focus. So when self sabotage occurs (and let's be realistic, it will occur at some point) it's a case of getting back in track in the next hour. 

Not in two weeks time. Or on a Sunday  to 'restart'. No it's about accountability then and there. 

I really need to get some sleep so that I don't use this as an excuse to not exercise at 5am which is only three hours away. Gulp. 

When you are down, there is no place but up

I haven't left the house in 6 days as our household has been hit with the gastro bug.  Interestingly, it's given me a lot of time to think about this blog and my journey and my recent self-sabotage (which hasn't quite stopped yet). 

This blog is supposed to be about my journey from fat to thin(ner).  When I first started it less than two months ago, I was filled with enthusiasm and a strong belief that 'this was the right time'.  But when I started writing (without a plan), just writing about my feelings and my experiences, I realised that there is a lot of darkness or emptiness in my soul.  And that's what I've been writing about.  And that's authentic and true to how I'm feeling.  But is it actually helping me?  I don't think that it is.  In times of darkness, I need light to surround me and guide me in the right direction. 

I need to stop making this blog just about the negative feelings that I'm having.  But also the positive emotions, the uplifting interactions that I have with people around me.  I don't mean to have a constant message that this journey is all about shitting rainbows and unicorns (because it's not and won't ever be)....but there needs to be something positive, something to be (eeek) gained from this. 

Feeling flat, overwhelmed and tired

Help!  Where has my motivation gone?  I'm self sabotaging and it is making me feel so bad about myself.  I feel like a failure writing these words.  How easy it is to go from feeling in control and making a change to feeling like I am useless and unable to change.  It almost feels like I don't even want it.  I don't even want to put the effort in to make the change. 

Oh Poor Poor Me

I really struggled with motivation yesterday, and it feels the same way today.  It didn't help that, confession time, I ate the last piece of caramel mudcake yesterday and I had a (much needed) sleep in yesterday so I didn't get on the treadmill either. 

This generally blah feeling carried on until dinner time and instead of sticking to my usual high vegetable intake, I just couldn't be bothered.  So I ate chicken nuggets and dinosaur chicken things for dinner. 

So now this morning I've woken up still feeling blah.  So blah that I wasn't going to put this in a post.  I feel sluggish and tired.  Our two year old was awake at 3.40am this morning.  I've managed to get him back to sleep but it's a tough gig getting up that early. 

I think that the blah feeling is because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.  We are having a birthday party for the kids (they turned 2 and 4 this week) and we have gone a little overboard with the invitations.  There are 21 adults and 15 children expected to attend and that makes my feel very stressed!  I'm worried about the food, whether there will be enough, whether anyone will actually eat.  I'm worried about the birthday cakes.  Our 4 year old wants a ballerina cake and I'm no Martha Stewart.  I was more thinking about a chocolate fudge cake covered in smarties. 

Then there is the getting ready for the party.  The house needs a good clean today and I need to work out what I need to buy from the supermarket.  Plus our daughter has two dance classes this morning that I'm probably not going to be able to watch. 

It's funny isn't it, how your brain makes things into something bigger than they are.  That I act like I'm the one that has to shoulder the whole burden of this birthday party.  When in reality, that's not true.  My husband (bless him) has done so much this week already to get ready for it and my mother-in-law will be coming over today to help as well.  So why do I feel like it is all on me?  Is that because I'm looking for attention, I'm wanting to play the victim?  Is that what I do? 

Is it because I'm lazy and would rather groan and moan about everything there is to be done?  Is this a case of the 'oh poor me' bs.  Now I'm feeling frustrated with myself for not just getting in and getting started.  Instead, I want to make up excuses as to why I'm feeling this way. 

Or am I in a perpetually bad mood?