Off the wagon, how to get back on

My husband and I took the kids down to the local park yesterday.  We took some family photographs.  I looked at the photos this morning.  It is a hard, swift punch to the stomach to see how fat I have become.  It's the trigger that I need to push myself into doing something, anything.

It's all about respect.

Respect my body, respect myself.

I'm feeling so fucking angry with myself.  That doesn't help with the whole 'you have to love yourself first' bullshit comments usually vomited out by others in times like now.

I'm worried about prep starting next year and being the fat mum and being excluded.  I think that is why I so vehemently reject associating too much with other parents.  If I reject them first, then they won't be able to reject me.  It's fucked. 

When you are down, there is no place but up

I haven't left the house in 6 days as our household has been hit with the gastro bug.  Interestingly, it's given me a lot of time to think about this blog and my journey and my recent self-sabotage (which hasn't quite stopped yet). 

This blog is supposed to be about my journey from fat to thin(ner).  When I first started it less than two months ago, I was filled with enthusiasm and a strong belief that 'this was the right time'.  But when I started writing (without a plan), just writing about my feelings and my experiences, I realised that there is a lot of darkness or emptiness in my soul.  And that's what I've been writing about.  And that's authentic and true to how I'm feeling.  But is it actually helping me?  I don't think that it is.  In times of darkness, I need light to surround me and guide me in the right direction. 

I need to stop making this blog just about the negative feelings that I'm having.  But also the positive emotions, the uplifting interactions that I have with people around me.  I don't mean to have a constant message that this journey is all about shitting rainbows and unicorns (because it's not and won't ever be)....but there needs to be something positive, something to be (eeek) gained from this. 

Feeling flat, overwhelmed and tired

Help!  Where has my motivation gone?  I'm self sabotaging and it is making me feel so bad about myself.  I feel like a failure writing these words.  How easy it is to go from feeling in control and making a change to feeling like I am useless and unable to change.  It almost feels like I don't even want it.  I don't even want to put the effort in to make the change.