Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The First One

This is my fourth attempt at starting this post.  I'm paralysed by fear.  Fear that what I write won't be perfect, fear that other people (who I know) will find this blog and judge me.  Fear that I will open myself up too much, make myself too vulnerable.  I'm scared to shatter any illusions that people might have about me.  I'm scared to shatter the illusion that I have about myself.  I'm scared to face to the truth.  I'm so scared that I don't even want to continue this post.

There are many things that I want to change about myself, my life, my relationships.  I feel a little, a lot, like a fraud.  I put on a brave face and make sure that the walls around me are solid, unable to be broken through.  This is my inner self.  The self that no one gets to see or know.  For everyone around me, I only let parts of the 'real' me come through.  And only those parts of my life that I know appeal to or relate to the person that I'm talking to.  I guess it's a way of trying to bond or connect with that person.  But really, if you think about it, it's fake.  I'm not sure that I even know who the real me is anymore.  I've forgotten what was important to me.  What made me want to take action.  Instead, there is this vanilla version of me.  Someone who doesn't want to rock the boat.  Someone who just wants to be friends with everyone.  Someone who has lost her way.

It's easy for me to know that I've lost my way.  Physically it's very easy to tell - I say that I don't care about my appearance.  And if you look at me, that's obvious.  The most obvious indicator is my weight.  I'm fat.  But if you look (not so closely) there are plenty of other signs.  I haven't had a hair cut in 2 years.  I wear the same clothes all of the time.  I tell myself that I don't care about how I look, that it doesn't define me.  But there is a difference between saying that the way you look doesn't define you and actually caring enough about yourself to give a damn.

There are lots of other reasons why I know I've lost my way.  But it's too much to think about for my first post and I really don't want to face the truth of it.  I don't want to type it because then it is true.  Until then I can just block it from my mind and live in this fantasy world that everything is okay.

I'm writing this blog as a diary because I want to have a better life.  I don't want to pass on this horrible anger to my kids.  I don't want my frustrations to become their frustrations.

My weight is only a symptom of my general 'life is shit' feeling.  I know that I need to work on the inner stuff and find myself again.  I know that just working on my weight is never going to be a long-term solution.  But for now, it seems too hard to focus on fixing all the other stuff.  There's too much going on and I don't know how to address it.  What I do know is that I should be able to do something about my weight.  And I'm hoping that by focusing on my weight and have some victories, it will give me the confidence and the courage to face all my fears.  To make my life, my family's life better.

I want a fulfilled life.  I don't know what that means or how to get it.  I just know that my life is not fulfilling right now.  And if my life isn't fulfilled, then my family's life is also empty.  It's empty of my spirit.  I want to find my spirit, my inner spark.  I want to do things that invigorate me.  Experiences that make me want to do more.  I don't want my life to be about going to a 9-5 job and trying to climb a corporate ladder that does not excite me.  I don't know what excites me anymore.

I block out pain.  I block out pain so much that I don't feel anything.  I don't smile spontaneously.  I hardly ever laugh with true feeling.  It's so empty, almost like a cackle.  To me, my life is best pictured as a dark, empty cavern.  It's so dark that the darkness feels heavy.  But today, because I want there to be, there is a tiny little flame flickering...hidden away in the darkest corner.  It's flickering because I want to change.  I want there to be light within me that bursts out of my pores and infects and excites others around me.  I want to draw people to my light and my life.  I want to authentic.  To be me, whoever that is.  Change is hard.  I know it is.  But I can't be frightened by change.  I can't let my fear that I will never be able to change to stop me from taking action today.  Because then today will just be like every other day.  And today is different.  Today is different.

Seeking the light within.

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