After eating really well at breakfast - natural muesli with full-fat milk (more on that in another post) and lunch was a spinach and rocket leaf salad with tinned tuna and salad vegetables. I also added a small grainy breadroll and a handful of grapes.
It was after I got home from work that the problems started. It took me more than 40 minutes to drive home and because I was later than normal, the meal that I had planned to make (chicken drumsticks baked in the oven) took more than an hour to cook. It was the first day that I hadn't eaten a big lunch and, to be honest, I was starving. I couldn't wait around that long for dinner to be ready. Plus the kids needed to be fed and put to bed. So my husband had cooked some meat patties earlier that day and we decided to eat these instead. I ate too many. I had two burger essentially. Two breadrolls, two lots of cheese and two burger patties. Too much. I should have just had one and not had the cheese. That was the beginning of self-sabotage.
After we put the kids to bed, I resisted the habit / temptation to wander back down to the kitchen and graze for a while. But that didn't last very long. Within 30 minutes I had taken the box of favourites chocolates that we received from our neighbour and started to eat them. A lot of them. Probably at least 10. I don't even want to know how many calories I ate while lying in bed. It's disgusting. I know why I ate them. First of all, they were there. Second, I wasn't officially tracking calories on Monday (I only started using calorieking on Tuesday). And thirdly, in my gut (haha) I thought that I had already failed by eating too much for dinner. It's that whole, 'oh well I stuffed up and ate one biscuit, I may as well finish the whole packet' (stupid) mentality.
It's self-sabotage. It always seems to me that no matter how hard I try, I always end up sabotaging myself.
So I started Tuesday off a little differently. I logged onto www.calorieking.com.au (I've had an account for many years) and decided to track all of my food. The reason that I didn't do this on Monday is that I am an 'all or nothing' kinda gal. So I know that by tracking my calories, I will become obsessed with it and that's not where I really want to head. Plus, it makes self-sabotage way more extreme. So say I have a 1200/day target for food. Well because underneath me, there does exist a competitive spirit, I don't want to exceed that at all. I want to come in under it. That's my first mistake. So that makes me hungry right. Cause I'm eating less that 1200 calories per day.
Now say that I'm not organised (I'm not) and I come home from work late and I'm too tired to cook or, more likely, I'm too hungry to wait for dinner to cook - I make something that is quick, easy and usually high calorie (like pasta). Then I don't measure my portion size. Usually I'll put a small amount (probably too small) and I eat it quickly and feel completely and utterly unsatisfied. Unsatisfied because the meal sucks (pasta sauce from a jar...blech) and because I didn't eat enough. Then I go back and get another serving. Still not satisfied. So I might go back again. Then I have eaten way more calories than I was supposed to and I'm still not freaking satisfied because the meal was not a tasty, well balanced dish!
That's when self-sabotage has kicked in.
At this stage, I want something nice. Something delicious to eat. My fall back is something sweet and high fat. The two things that, when eaten together, are to a fat person, like heroin is to the junkie. That's when I raid the cupboard/fridge at night.
So after a few paragraphs of navel gazing, I've come to an important realisation. To stop the self-sabotage I must be organised. I must plan my meals ahead. I must also have a Plan B for those days when I am late home from work etc. I must also eat my calories - all 1200 of them. Otherwise I will get to hungry and just binge away. I'll copy these ideas and put them in another post so that I can reference my 'shit, duh' moments along the way.
Anyway, I'm happy to say that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday have been great days! I've stuck to a 1200/day eating plan. And I've exercised two days this week!
The 1200 per day eating plan hasn't been too difficult to stick to. For the first time in a long time, I woke up hungry, really hungry. I can't remember when I last felt really hungry. That makes me feel a combination of both sad and extremely disgusted in myself. Seriously, who eats so much food that they never feel really hungry when they wake up?
Now I can't believe that I actually did some exercise this week! High five to me! The girl that I sit next to at work has started a bit of a health kick. IMO, she doesn't need to lose any weight but she is giving healthy living a red-hot go. I told her that I was counting my calories and she suggested that I just do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Just 10 minutes.
Tuesday nightI had planned to pick up some ingredients to make a basil and lemon chicken dish. Because I was late (and starving) I decided to go straight home and make something else with the chicken. After spending 10 minutes searching through my completely unorganised pantry, I decided to whip up something special for my husband and the kids. Sarcasm alert! I grabbed a bag of dry pasta and threw it into some boiling water. Once the pasta was cooked, I drained it and added a jar of pasta sauce. Yes it was that bad.
I really couldn't eat this pasta - pasta and I are not so good together. We love each other too much. It's bad for my health. I really can only eat pasta if I measure it out before hand and cook it separately. So I decided to make myself eggs and toast. For Tuesday's, ehm, meal plan, click here.
That Tuesday night after we put the kids to bed, I did what I haven't done in many many months. I put on my workout clothes (the shorts are so tight that I couldn't wear them out of the house), went downstairs, turned on the treadmill and walked. I walked! This is epic, really. I walked for 15 minutes on an incline. Not fast enough to get myself red, hot and sweaty. But enough that my heart rate went to 140bpm. I can't describe how satisfied I felt after just 15 minutes of really light exercise. I had overcome that barrier.
Wednesday and ThursdayWednesday was a great day as well - I ate well and did another 15 minutes on the treadmill. For Wednesday's meal plan, click here.
Thursday (yesterday) was also a good one. Except no exercise. I don't work on Fridays, so my plan is to do 30 minutes today. For Thursday's meal plan, click here.
This post is a little boring, but it is important to me to capture these days and to understand why I do what I do. Why my sub-conscious is pushing me to fail. Why I don't feel worthy of success. It's all fear folks. Fear that even if I give it my best shot, I still won't be able to lose weight and look good. It's that whole, why try when you won't be able to make it anyway. I have to keep pushing through that fear and realise that I can love myself for who I am. And that what I am is enough. I don't need to compare myself to others to get a gauge of my self-worth. It's about focusing on positively on myself and not continually beating myself up over my imperfections. It's about seeking out those people that have a positive influence on my life. It's about wanting to help others and to be a positive influence on other people's lives. I never thought that I could inspire anyone. Part of me still thinks that (this is just day 4 of a long journey).....but if I were to think about what would make me happy - it would be to show other people, just like me, that you can change your life for the better. And that you don't need anything fancy. I don't know what all the 'tools' are that I will use to change my life. I'm kinda just taking it one day at a time. Focusing on the vision of who I want to be.
Keep heading towards the light (we'll get there together).